Blah...
That one little word depicts much of my day today... actually... much of my life at present...
Let me explain... or... try to explain....
Timothy is probably coming home early... (yeah, he's only in Kansas, but since HOME for me is PA then he's coming "home"). And it ain't for a good reason... like, seriously... he's apparently done with the Army... paperwork is being filed as we speak... briefs are being done... like... it's for real, he's coming home for good. And I don't know how I feel about it. Honestly I should probably be thrilled... but I'm not (anyone care to explain that!? lol). I mean, I'm happy he's coming home, I'm happy I'm gonna get to see him, I'm happy he won't be deployed.... but I'm not happy that he's quitting. I keep telling myself it'll be ok... and I keep telling myself that this is gonna be better for both of us... but for some reason I don't believe it. Jeez, my brain doesn't even believe that he's actually coming home yet! Seriously. And he should be home in like a week and a half... And my brain won't process it... I was talking to my agility instructor the other day and she was like, well, probably it's because you've had so much emotional upheaval about him almost coming home once before and then being restarted... which is probably true. Tim and I have both said that this just feels like a dream, like nothing's real, which is weird... 'cause usually we're both more... sensible... than that... He's said that everything has felt like a dream since he saw me at the Turning Blue ceremony... He's said that he can't focus on his job, he WON'T focus. He hates it... I don't know why. I don't get it. I don't understand. How can he just hate something he's only been a part of for 10 months? I feel like he's shutting me out of some parts of his brain, I know there's another side of him emerging and, to be honest, it kind of scares me. I know that Timothy is still there... it's just that every now and then I get the feeling I'm not talking to "Timothy" I'm talking to someone else... it's like his alter ego... I don't know. It's the military him... the part of him that takes orders, gets angry, wants to throw things around, wants to kill the world. I don't know what to do with that part of him. I can control it but I don't want to. I don't want to HAVE to control it. I hope it goes away eventually. I don't think it will ever completely go away though. I'm working on planning our formal wedding ceremony and he gets upset because he can't be there to help. It's OK! I don't mind doing it. It's not that big a deal!! If I have something I need his opinion on I text him, mostly it's my parents planning stuff anyways, not like either one of us can control what they're doing. And Heaven-forbid I should say anything about him "quitting" or "losing" or "failing" 'cause he'll go off the deep-end... it's like suddenly there are these unseen rules about what I can and can't say around him and I'm still trying to figure out what they all are. I've figured most of them out in the past couple weeks but every now and then something has happened during his day and our whole conversation that night is sour and sullen. When I ask what's wrong he either won't answer or I get his canned response "I just hate it here" "I miss you" "I just wanna go home". If I ask why all I get is "you know why". And I try to understand, I really do. But I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. I don't regret marrying him. Honestly, I think that's one of the only things that has kept him sane, the fact that he has someone else that he has to pay a little bit of attention to and that's always gonna be there for him. I dont know... it's times like these that I remember why I started blogging however many months ago... Times when I just need to vent and have a blank screen to fill with thoughts... thoughts that many times never get proofread and never get reworded before I hit "publish". I just send them in, let the world look at them... at my private thoughts... but it makes me feel better. I can get it out there and let someone else worry about it. And I can keep telling myself I'm fine. Yeah... fine... Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. That's how fine I am... except its usually just teh Emotional part lately... which I don't understand at all... I'm like, the least emotional person I know... and there are some days I just wanna cry... When did that happen? I think that the only thing that's kept ME sane the past few weeks is school... I just keep trying to bog myself down, deeper and deeper. Tuesday mornings I get lab reports back and Tuesday I get the damn things done.... Like, totally done... I get assignments and they're done about two days later. Focusing is a problem but once I get the focus I can accomplish anything. It keeps me busy. The birds keep me busy, the mice keep me busy. I've got a couple games that keep me busy. Our internet still sucks so I try to avoid it as much as possible... it just acts as a catalyst to make me upset...
Peyton left on Monday. His parents took him to MEPS on Monday evening and he flew out to start basic training Tuesday afternoon... I've already written him two pages of letters... He's gonna be almost as swamped with reading material as Tim was! But it keeps me focused and upbeat. I know he needs to hear happy things, things that are going on, what's the weather like, how school's going... and it makes me focus on the good things that have happened in the past 24 hours. It helps. I can't wait until he sends and address so I can actually mail the letters and look for pictures online and stuff. I really hope that they have a facebook page for his group... which reminds me that I deactivated my facebook account like 2 weeks ago... dang... I might have to reactivate it if he's got a facebook page... Oh well... We'll think about that when it comes around....
Facebook was too much drama... too much information... I don't want to know what you drank last weekend, how drunk you got, who you slept with or who you're mad at. I've got my own problems and you had better believe that I don't post them all over the internet... well... OK, I guess I am posting them all over... but seriously? how many people read this blog? not as many as see my facebook profile... and at least here people can't make stupid comments... and here, it's like I'm posting my problems to get them off my chest, not to get answers and crap from people. I see blogging as a way to relieve tension without using paper... Writing helps. But I can't write... my wrist hurts too much when I try to actually WRITE on paper... dang wrist. I don't know what the freak I ever did to it to make it so angry but the past year the mf-er's been killing me. I can't even write a decent essay without stopping like 15 times to make it stop hurting.
Speaking of essays... I need to start studying for the GREs again... and yes, that is related to essays 'cause they have an essay portion on the GREs... and yes, I'm taking them again 'cause my first scores suck. Hopefully this time around they are better. I'd like to have scores that are competitive enough to actually get me into a graduate program that I like!
DAMN I forgot I had lab teardown today... at 3... and it's 4 now... fml... Although class did run late... whatever... Guess I'll hop into lab tomorrow and teardown my crap when I drop my lab reports off for my people.... I wonder if that last kid actually did the lab... he never showed up Tuesday morning and then Wednesday afternoon he talked to the prof and wanted to know when he could make up the lab and she told him the other times were on his syllabus and it was his responsibility to find a time that worked... so I don't know if he ever did... I guess I could email Mrs. R. and see... she should know by now... I'm pretty sure that her labs were the only ones that he could've gotten into... I don't know though, there's one other person who teaches a section of lab and I'm not sure which day/time her lab is at.
Well... I guess I should stop rambling... there's probably some unseen law that says that I can only make blogs of a certain length... and besides.. who is seriously gonna keep reading... if they've read for this long... and in case you were wondering, there ain't no way I'm proofreading this... it's entirely too long...
Until next time...
