Figuring it out....

Sooo you know that Tim's coming home... he's actually home... got to his place Saturday evening... I still haven't seen him though, he's coming down to my place Thursday! YAY! I can't wait to see him, it honestly feels like it's been years!

I had an agility trial over the weekend... first one of the season... We did pretty well, the Twig-dog ran fast and was motivated the whole weekend so I was pleased even though we didn't Q. Friday we tried Time-2-Beat (T2B) and he got a little spastic half-way through and then I forgot where I was... it was just a bad story. Then Saturday we had Standard and Jumpers With Weaves... Both of those runs he missed ONE jump :( again, it was ok because he was running with speed and actually enjoying himself. I'm just hoping that next trial we can run with speed AND accuracy!! I'm sure it'll come... just gonna take a little time...

This weekend I'm headed up to Tim's family's house for the weekend... I have to drop off a kitten for his sister (they're having a welcome home party for a cat....) and Saturday I have my bridal shower up there... and Saturday evening we have a Halloween party at his sister's place (I've actually NEVER done ANYTHING for Halloween...). So it's gonna be a pretty hectic weekend!!

well... I need to get to lab... be back later!

Bah Humbug!

Blah...

That one little word depicts much of my day today... actually... much of my life at present...

Let me explain... or... try to explain....

Timothy is probably coming home early... (yeah, he's only in Kansas, but since HOME for me is PA then he's coming "home"). And it ain't for a good reason... like, seriously... he's apparently done with the Army... paperwork is being filed as we speak... briefs are being done... like... it's for real, he's coming home for good. And I don't know how I feel about it. Honestly I should probably be thrilled... but I'm not (anyone care to explain that!? lol). I mean, I'm happy he's coming home, I'm happy I'm gonna get to see him, I'm happy he won't be deployed.... but I'm not happy that he's quitting. I keep telling myself it'll be ok... and I keep telling myself that this is gonna be better for both of us... but for some reason I don't believe it. Jeez, my brain doesn't even believe that he's actually coming home yet! Seriously. And he should be home in like a week and a half... And my brain won't process it... I was talking to my agility instructor the other day and she was like, well, probably it's because you've had so much emotional upheaval about him almost coming home once before and then being restarted... which is probably true. Tim and I have both said that this just feels like a dream, like nothing's real, which is weird... 'cause usually we're both more... sensible... than that... He's said that everything has felt like a dream since he saw me at the Turning Blue ceremony... He's said that he can't focus on his job, he WON'T focus. He hates it... I don't know why. I don't get it. I don't understand. How can he just hate something he's only been a part of for 10 months? I feel like he's shutting me out of some parts of his brain, I know there's another side of him emerging and, to be honest, it kind of scares me. I know that Timothy is still there... it's just that every now and then I get the feeling I'm not talking to "Timothy" I'm talking to someone else... it's like his alter ego... I don't know. It's the military him... the part of him that takes orders, gets angry, wants to throw things around, wants to kill the world. I don't know what to do with that part of him. I can control it but I don't want to. I don't want to HAVE to control it. I hope it goes away eventually. I don't think it will ever completely go away though. I'm working on planning our formal wedding ceremony and he gets upset because he can't be there to help. It's OK! I don't mind doing it. It's not that big a deal!! If I have something I need his opinion on I text him, mostly it's my parents planning stuff anyways, not like either one of us can control what they're doing. And Heaven-forbid I should say anything about him "quitting" or "losing" or "failing" 'cause he'll go off the deep-end... it's like suddenly there are these unseen rules about what I can and can't say around him and I'm still trying to figure out what they all are. I've figured most of them out in the past couple weeks but every now and then something has happened during his day and our whole conversation that night is sour and sullen. When I ask what's wrong he either won't answer or I get his canned response "I just hate it here" "I miss you" "I just wanna go home". If I ask why all I get is "you know why". And I try to understand, I really do. But I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. I don't regret marrying him. Honestly, I think that's one of the only things that has kept him sane, the fact that he has someone else that he has to pay a little bit of attention to and that's always gonna be there for him. I dont know... it's times like these that I remember why I started blogging however many months ago... Times when I just need to vent and have a blank screen to fill with thoughts... thoughts that many times never get proofread and never get reworded before I hit "publish". I just send them in, let the world look at them... at my private thoughts... but it makes me feel better. I can get it out there and let someone else worry about it. And I can keep telling myself I'm fine. Yeah... fine... Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. That's how fine I am... except its usually just teh Emotional part lately... which I don't understand at all... I'm like, the least emotional person I know... and there are some days I just wanna cry... When did that happen? I think that the only thing that's kept ME sane the past few weeks is school... I just keep trying to bog myself down, deeper and deeper. Tuesday mornings I get lab reports back and Tuesday I get the damn things done.... Like, totally done... I get assignments and they're done about two days later. Focusing is a problem but once I get the focus I can accomplish anything. It keeps me busy. The birds keep me busy, the mice keep me busy. I've got a couple games that keep me busy. Our internet still sucks so I try to avoid it as much as possible... it just acts as a catalyst to make me upset...

Peyton left on Monday. His parents took him to MEPS on Monday evening and he flew out to start basic training Tuesday afternoon... I've already written him two pages of letters... He's gonna be almost as swamped with reading material as Tim was! But it keeps me focused and upbeat. I know he needs to hear happy things, things that are going on, what's the weather like, how school's going... and it makes me focus on the good things that have happened in the past 24 hours. It helps. I can't wait until he sends and address so I can actually mail the letters and look for pictures online and stuff. I really hope that they have a facebook page for his group... which reminds me that I deactivated my facebook account like 2 weeks ago... dang... I might have to reactivate it if he's got a facebook page... Oh well... We'll think about that when it comes around....

Facebook was too much drama... too much information... I don't want to know what you drank last weekend, how drunk you got, who you slept with or who you're mad at. I've got my own problems and you had better believe that I don't post them all over the internet... well... OK, I guess I am posting them all over... but seriously? how many people read this blog? not as many as see my facebook profile... and at least here people can't make stupid comments... and here, it's like I'm posting my problems to get them off my chest, not to get answers and crap from people. I see blogging as a way to relieve tension without using paper... Writing helps. But I can't write... my wrist hurts too much when I try to actually WRITE on paper... dang wrist. I don't know what the freak I ever did to it to make it so angry but the past year the mf-er's been killing me. I can't even write a decent essay without stopping like 15 times to make it stop hurting.

Speaking of essays... I need to start studying for the GREs again... and yes, that is related to essays 'cause they have an essay portion on the GREs... and yes, I'm taking them again 'cause my first scores suck. Hopefully this time around they are better. I'd like to have scores that are competitive enough to actually get me into a graduate program that I like!

DAMN I forgot I had lab teardown today... at 3... and it's 4 now... fml... Although class did run late... whatever... Guess I'll hop into lab tomorrow and teardown my crap when I drop my lab reports off for my people.... I wonder if that last kid actually did the lab... he never showed up Tuesday morning and then Wednesday afternoon he talked to the prof and wanted to know when he could make up the lab and she told him the other times were on his syllabus and it was his responsibility to find a time that worked... so I don't know if he ever did... I guess I could email Mrs. R. and see... she should know by now... I'm pretty sure that her labs were the only ones that he could've gotten into... I don't know though, there's one other person who teaches a section of lab and I'm not sure which day/time her lab is at.

Well... I guess I should stop rambling... there's probably some unseen law that says that I can only make blogs of a certain length... and besides.. who is seriously gonna keep reading... if they've read for this long... and in case you were wondering, there ain't no way I'm proofreading this... it's entirely too long...

Until next time...

End of Summer...

Soo apparently summer is over... This would be noticed by the last week of camp ending, the horses going home and us spending about 6 hours cleaning up the tack shed/stall area. Kind of bitter-sweet 'cause I'm not sure what's gonna happen next year... I know Peyton won't be there... he's leaving for Air Force basic training in September and probably won't get time off for camp... I don't know if I'll be there, depends on where I'm working and where Tim and I are living... It's all just very confusing and stressful right now.

School starts on Wednesday... I'm kind of excited 'cause I know that I've got a lot of fun classes... Already heard back from one prof that he doesn't care if I use my computer to take notes on... YAY! I love using my computer to take notes on, last semester my hand hurt so bad I could hardly take notes by hand... it was miserable. This year I've got a wrist brace that'll hopefully help some... We'll see.

I'm also getting a new computer! Well... I'm getting a tablet... the new Toshiba Thrive has a full-sized USB, full-sized SD, mini USB and a full-sized HDMI port, 10 hour battery life... user-changeable battery and back cover... Tons of stuff. Dad got a deal on it on Amazon so he ordered it sometime last week... I'm just waiting for it to show up now!! It's gonna be so much fun!! My current laptop is kind of dying... it doesn't start up as fast anymore, freezes randomly, doesn't shut down all the way all the time... the internal wireless died last year so I'm using a little adapter critter to run internet and it still doesn't connect real well all the time. I've had it for 3ish years anyways (maybe a little longer, I don't remember) so it has lived out it's life I guess. I've done really well with computers, I'm only on my 2nd one (tablet makes 3) and I got my first one when I was a junior or senior in highschool (I graduated highschool in 2008). I'd say 2 computers in 4 years isn't too bad! And I'll be hanging onto my tablet as long as it runs.

Also at the current time I'm waiting to hear back from KSU, I'm not even sure at this point whether I should be hoping to be accepted or not... I mean, I'd love to go out there 'cause I love the research that they are doing but Tim won't be out there for much longer anyways soo... I don't know... If I get declined then I'm gonna apply to a few schools up in the Rochester area I think... or I'll apply to a business program at Gannon... I could be happy with either one of those... I guess it'll depend on where I end up in the next 3 months!! (Yup, only 3 months and 20-some days until graduation!!)

Random Thoughts from an Army Wife...

Soo officially I'm not an Army wife... I admit that... but I AM gonna be an Army wife soon so I'm gonna claim the title :D Ya'll are just gonna have to deal with that.

Anyways... Tim is currently out in the field for a 2 day FTX... he gets back to base on Friday then leaves again on Monday for a 10day FTX... lots of training!! He's been way stressed for the past few days too... there was talk of possibly staying back during the 10day FTX but I'm not sure if that'll happen yet... We'll see.  I kind of hope he ends up going 'cause I don't want anything to happen that'll make him end up leaving (I know, that sounds weird that I WANT him to stay in the Army but I really kind of do!).

We are getting a pool put in at the house... We got a bunch of trees taken out a couple weeks ago, then while I was in Kansas they got the hole dug, yesterday they got everything smoothed out and today they are actually putting up the pool!! YAY!

It's been so much cooler here than basically everywhere I've been the past 3 weeks... I spent the last week of July up at camp and it was pretty warm... then I spent 10days in Kansas (80-100degrees the ENTIRE TIME!) and now home has pretty decent weather!!

I found an exercise plan online yesterday that I'm gonna start working on as soon as I get back from camp.  I don't really want to start it now because the week at camp is gonna screw me up and I figure that since it's only another 10 days until my schedule gets to something normal I can wait that long!!  I'm hoping that I can actually keep on track with this one and get in decent shape by the next time I see Timothy.

The county fair starts in about 3 weeks... I still need to work on getting a ride 'cause I'm taking Buckwheat... I really hope that the people I usually trailer with will take me even though they aren't taking any animals this year... Oh well.  Worst case scenario I just ride him down!

Well...I've got lots of things on my to-do list and I need to get to work on them... I'm gonna try to start updating daily (or at least every couple days!)

Back from Vacation!

So, I had an AWESOME vacation!! Preteen3 at camp with Timothy... we had a great week, I was head wrangler and it went pretty well, had a great group working with me though so that definitely helped.

After camp I went on a vacation to Kansas! Visiting with the hubby! Working on getting paperwork done so that we actually have housing after our wedding ceremony this December! (Eh, who needs a house right?! lol)  Well... I don't really have much more to add... I'll be getting home late tonight so I'll probably update some stuff about home and mice and all that good stuff either later tonight (ha, don't count on it!!) or tomorrow... maybe... Not sure when I'm driving up to Rochester to get the Twig-dog but I'll let ya'll know!

HOT!

It's kinda warm out lately... been in the 90s every day this week!! Can't really complain though as I know many of our military are in hotter places than I am and they can't strip down to shorts and a tank top!!

Tim is looking forward to coming to camp next week and things are pretty much falling into place as far as that goes... still not exactly sure who's picking him up from the airport but I think we'll get it figured out soon enough...

Not much else going on here... Just wanted to throw a quick update on!

News from.... er... me!

OK... sooo Tim and I have NOT set a date... well... we kind of have... we've set half a date... We know  we're getting married in December of 2011 but that's as far as we've gotten... :(  We just don't know exactly when he's going to be home at the moment... Now we think he's deploying in like March or April... still don't know for how long and, in all reality, that date might change again before it's all said and done. It's very exciting though!  I've got my dress, we've both got our rings... I've got my maid of honor and a bridesmaid and he's got a best man and groomsman picked out (only having 2 people each) and we've got the flowergirl and ringbearer picked! Still don't know stuff like flowers, music, reception, etc. but i'm sure it'll come together pretty quickly once we get a date...

I'm off to camp again on Saturday... head wrangler!! YIKES! I'm sure it'll go smoothly though... the horses have been pretty decent so far this summer and PreTeen 3 isn't usually a real busy week... I'll be working with Peyton, Katie and Tim and possibly 2 W.I.T.s (Wranglers In Training) so that'll be good... between just the 4 of us we won't have any problems.  I need to talk to a lady I know about getting my Responding To Emergencies training done this week too... It won't take long but I've got to drive into Erie to get it done... and take a test... which means I should probably read over the book... Oh well... I'll call her tonight and set up an appointment!

I filled out a job application for the school semester too... Hopefully I'll be working at a doggie daycare Thursday and Friday afternoons!! I hope it doesn't interfere with agility trials though... that'd be a bummer... I also finished up my graduate school application... mostly... I think I just need to get my transcripts released to them which I'm doing tomorrow morning on my way into town.

Well.... I suppose I should go do something productive.... I shall be back later!

Say WHAT?

Soo I thought it might be a good thing to get on here and update this since... er... I'm leaving for Camp in two days... YES TWO DAYS!!! THIS SATURDAY!! YAY!! and... not yay... since I just got a notice that my dog isn't allowed to come :( whatever... I'm sure he'll deal...

I'm also looking for wedding bands... not sure what I'm gonna do yet since Tim and I both like a couple of bands that have sapphires in them but I haven't found a sapphire contour band yet that fits with the engagement ring I've got... :/ oh well... I'll figure it out at some point... Right now we're either going to go with a plain white gold band and get a notch cut in it so that they fit together or I found a nice contour band with little diamonds all along it that looks pretty nice together... and it fits... I'm so indecisive right now!! And I kinda need to make a decision... soon... :D

Tim is settling in at his new base... not doing a whole lot of anything yet since he just got there but I think that they are starting training next week... not 100% certain... things always seem to be changing!!

I met a few new people on MSOS... love chatting with people who know what I'm going through!! It's a great support group...

Uh... the mices are still procreating... like little fiends!! Right now I'm at 64 mice... had a litter of 9 born almost 3 weeks ago, litter of 13 born 2 weeks ago, litter of 14 born 3 days ago and a litter of 10 born today!! O_O that's a lot of mice in case anyone was wondering!! I've also got a nice little agouti male I just picked up the other day... and a nice black female... so I'm up to three dark females and a dark male! YAY!! Hoping for some babies with color soon!!

Well... that's all the news for now... I'll be sure and update when I get home from camp! (maybe)

Not a Day Goes By....

Listening to Lonestar's "Not a Day Goes By" can almost always make me tear up... I think the only song worse is "I'm Already There"... which would bring to mind the question "why do you listen to them?" The answer to which would be... because! They remind me of... him... It's true, I miss him every single day, it doesn't matter how long he's been gone or when the last time I got a text or a call or a video chat was, I miss him! As I type this the shortest time it'll be until I see him again is a month and it's possible I won't see him until Christmas (which, for those who don't know, is a freaking long time!!). Tonight we had a decent video chat... Skype sucks if you were interested... Google Chat worked SO much better for us! I admit I have lousy internet but at least Google worked about 90%. It was so nice to be able to see him, I mean, he's got texting now so we text each other pretty much obsessively when he's not busy, but to SEE him... it's so nice. I think it's one of those things that you can't fully appreciate until you have had to go a long period of time without seeing your significant other!

MSOS is, once again, there to keep me supported and uplifted. It's ridiculous to look at my ticker and think to myself, 'really? he's only been gone for 4 days?!' It feels like FOREVER already :( oh well... I dealt with the last 5.5 months I can deal with the next 6.5! And this time, at the end of the time we're GETTING MARRIED!! WOOHOO!! I can't wait!! Probably not gonna be anything big (we both decided we didn't care) but we'll be married and able to see each other every day!!

We have found out that he's probably gonna be deploying around next May or June, possibly earlier if they change where he's headed. It seems like not that long right now but I'm not gonna think about it right now and we're just gonna take it as it comes. Goodness, Obama might have changed everything by then!! (not that I'm gonna get my hopes up for that but it COULD happen)

Tim has also (maybe) found a vehicle!! We were looking online tonight and he found one that looks pretty good... I'm hopeful that it'll run better and longer than the last vehicle he bought!!
---------Other Happenings-------------
The mices are being quite productive! I put my younger male in with my females from the first litter and he got busy right away... unfortunately the cat knocked open his container while I was cleaning the tank and ate him... stupid cat... Right now I've got a 10day old litter of 9 and a 3 day old litter of 13... all albino babies so far (cat ate my last litter of colored babies along with their momma). I'm hoping to get some new fancy mice females tomorrow while I'm in town.

The turtle is growing!! I can already see that he's bigger!! He has almost finished all the fishies I bought him before I left for Tim's house... I'll have to get some more of them tomorrow too. He does have his little turtle pellets but I think the fish eat more of them than he does! Silly fish.

I'm also looking for a new computer at the moment... Mine is just getting too unpredictable... I'm looking into tablets right now and I've found a couple that look really good, just need to actually BUY one!!

HE'S BACK!!

So, the fiancée is home now!! He graduated June 9/10 and we drove up to his house (Fort Benning, GA to Rochester, NY in two days!) so we've just been chillin' for the past weekish... Unfortunately he flies out to his next duty station on the 20th :( I think we'll be OK though! He'll have his phone, internet, skype, etc so we'll be able to talk pretty much every day if we want to!! YAY!!

As you probably know, I'm working on applying to Kansas State University for the spring semester... If I don't get accepted to the program this time around I'm gonna talk to a recruiter and go to OCS... decisions decisions....


My albino mousey had some babies the other day.... now I've got... a bunch... i don't know exactly how many I've got!! lol The new litter has 8 in it though (9 but the cat got into it and I don't think that the one baby is gonna survive).

The Twigster has lost a little bit of weight, right now, since we're traveling, he's on canned food. I finally found some that doesn't have any wheat product in it so it's working for us nicely. It really doesn't have a whole lot of any grain in it... I'll have to check and see what the binder is, i'm sure that there is some sort of binder/filler/grain product in there!!

I shall attempt to update this later... Right now I've gotta go finish filling out my grad school application and get two more profs to write letters for me!!

So close and yet so far...

Sooo got a call from my man yesterday! He says he's doing good... starting today they have their FTX (Field Training Exercise) that will last pretty much all week I believe... He's kind of excited about the whole thing which I is nice!

After that... he'll have like a week or so of "recovery" (basically cleaning he says) during which he may or may not have his phone (some people say yes, some say no, basically it's one of those things that can change from company to company!). Sooooo I'm EXCITED!! WEEE!! We are ALMOST done!! By the time I see him we'll have not seen each other for just over 6 months... at least now I know how long a 12month deployment will take!! (the answer is FOREVER by the way!! lol). After he gets home... I've got plans for him MWAHAHAHAHAHA. Soo yeah... that's all the news for now!!

Life Sucks... but not always!!

Sooo yeah... Timothy had a 36 hour pass yesterday and today... it was awesome but now I'm kind of... sad... oh well, only a few more weeks!!

----------Other News----------
The chickens are doing well, they're all growing... the adults have been free-ranging for the past couple days... not really heading outside much, not sure why... but I've been having to go on a royal egg hunt every single day since I started letting them outside!!

I've started really looking into graduate schools... Right now I REALLY like the looks of Kansas State University (perhaps because Tim's gonna be stationed at Ft. Riley!) but it's also a really good school... now, I've just gotta get accepted!!

I'm not sure what else there is to talk about... Tim has started talking about getting married this summer...He's saying maybe we'll just have a courthouse wedding and then have the "real" wedding at a later date... I'm not sure... I mean, I'd LOVE to but... I'm not entirely sure if my parents would let me! We shall see!

Rain Rain Go Away....

It's raining... still... It's been raining since I woke up at 9:00 this morning!! When will it ever stop?!

Today's agenda includes... mailing letter for Tim, (no picture though today 'cause I think the envelope is already too heavy) and then getting home to eat, feed critters, etc...

Hopefully I don't have to SWIM to the barn!! And hopefully the road isn't covered with water... water near the State Gamelands was pretty high this morning!

I SHOULD print DF a picture but... I think I'm gonna do it tomorrow since I can't mail it today anyways...

I'm BAAACCKKKK!!!

Haha, it's been a month since I've updated this... news (in no particular order)....

Birds - the 6 from TSC are GROWING! Fully feathered now, living in the chicken tractor which I've placed in the barn due to the copious amounts of rain and wind we've been having. The 4 that I hatched are no more... one just disappeared one day and then I went out one day and they all 3 were dead :( oh well. I have been getting about 6 eggs a day (up to 8 some days!) which is cool.

School - FINALS WEEK! I've got my theology final today, Accounting tomorrow, Physics Wednesday, Vert Zoo on Thursday and then I'M DONE! I can't wait! Hoping that grades turn out as well as I'd like them too!! I have been looking at some grad schools... found one in Mississippi (MSU) and they have a bunch of pretty cool looking research projects, lots of wildlife management type profs too. I'm going to look into schools in KS today (more on that later)

Tim - is alive! Doing good too! He called on Sunday, just a 13 minute call but still a phone call! Today they had their final PT to determine whether or not they'll actually be able to graduate from BCT and move on to AIT. I'm not really worried that he'll have problems but there's always the chance that something could go wrong. If he didn't pass I'm pretty sure he'll get a phone call home to let us know. Assuming that all goes well he thinks he's going to be going to Ft. Riley, KS after graduation... I already found a few ladies from MSOS that are stationed there and they said it's really nice (it's also the reason I'm looking for schools in KS!!) I'm not 100% certain that that's where he's going (nothing is ever "final" until it happens!) and I don't know how long he'll actually be stationed there but it's still cool to hear that he'll most likely be stateside!! There are a few people from his company that are going to Korea right after graduation, not that Korea is BAD but it's just SO FAR AWAY!!

Over the weekend I went up to Rochester for the Rochester Youth Conference, met tons of friends, had a great time. Scott DeGroff was the speaker, he is SUCH a GOOD SPEAKER! Every time I hear him I'm amazed at how well he can get his point across. This weekend the focus was "In the Pursuit of Christ." It was really good. I stayed with Bob and Bonnie which was a little rough (sleeping in Tim's room without him there...) but I survived and had fun. Got to see my lil' (almost) nephew, Carter, he's getting so big! He'll be 1 in May and he's starting to learn how to walk!! It's so cute!

Georgia plans! - Got my plane ticket!! I fly out of Erie at like 1:15pm and fly into Atlanta at 7:15-ish. I've got a 2 hour layover in Cleveland but my options were 2 hour layover or like 45 minute layover, I figured that since Jess's plane doesn't come in until 8:30 I might as well have the longer layover in case something went horribly wrong!! Less chance of me missing a flight! I cannot wait to leave!! Only a few more weeks!

Well... that's all the news for now! I'll try to do a better job of keeping you updated!